I wish I could say I coined this phrase but I can’t. I don’t remember where I heard it (or from whom) but it definitely stuck in my mind. Much of the pathology that we see among our young people is the result of absent, abusive, dysfunctional or emotionally unavailable fathers.
There’s no getting around it. Strong fathers and/or male role models are essential for bringing about a healing in our communities. This is not to take away from mothers who are forced to raise kids by themselves. For the most part, they do the best they can. It’s just not enough.
When I use the term daddy, I am not referring to the sperm donor or the name on a birth certificate. I’m not talking about the chronologically adult male member of a household. What I’m referring to is the man who takes responsibility for loving, encouraging, supporting and protecting his family. These are the brothers who can make our communities whole again. They do this by making their families whole. Communities are just conglomerates of families.
Boys model themselves after their fathers, even when it’s obvious that the fathers are not good role models. When fathers are not present, boys usually find other male role models to emulate. If they’re fortunate, those role models will be positive and encouraging. If not, it’s just like having a trifling father in the house. Often, when there is no father and only a dominant, overprotective mother who limits or impedes male contact, the boys will emulate her. This can sometimes have disastrous consequences.
Girls look to their fathers for love, approval, support and protection. Often their idea of whom they will perceive as an acceptable mate hinges upon what their father did or didn’t do correctly. Usually, girls who are brought up in a stable home with a strong, loving and supportive father will not allow themselves to be abused and mistreated by any so-called man. They will usually reject the “Fighta Sistah Boyz,” the “Mr. McNasties” the “Bling Babies,” the “Rico Suaves” and the other assorted knuckleheads. In their minds it’s, “If they ain’t like my daddy, I don’t want them.”
Good fathers don’t have to be educated, wealthy, deep thinkers or perfect men. They just have to be committed to their family. If by chance the man is no longer with the mother, the man must still be committed to his children. Is it easy? Heck no! Is it worth the sacrifice? Absolutely! It’s worth it for the kids, their mother and the father. Everyone wins.
There is a father who comes to mind as I write this piece. This father is not with the mother of his children. The mother has chosen to think primarily of herself and has exposed the children to all sorts of dysfunctional behavior. The father, by no means perfect himself, is committed to his children. He does what he can to get them the help they need. He goes to the school to advocate for his children. He pays for clothing, food, books and tutoring even though he drives around in a raggedy car (we often laugh about the fact that he can leave his windows wide open and nobody will consider stealing it or anything in it). He has recently received temporary custody of the kids and I’m already seeing a difference in their attitudes, behavior and school performance. Is he a perfect father? By no means, but he is committed and that makes all the difference.
So what can we as black men do to help our children succeed? It’s not rocket science Brothers. We must be present, committed and spirit led. Spirit led does not mean religious. It means that we allow ourselves to be guided by the highest part of ourselves. It means that we do whatever it takes, even if it’s hard. It means that we solidify our family and then allow our solid family to positively influence the community at large.
We have the keys. It’s our responsibility to turn the locks and open the doors.
Alim Gaynor is the founder and CEO of the Seedpod Empower-ment Institute. For questions and comments call 769-798-5247 or E-Mail alimgaynor@yahoo.com
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