As a passionate advocate for victims of domestic violence, Martha Crawford said there are two major things that can be done to help a friend or family member that’s being abused: (1) Support them, and (2) Never tell a victim to leave an abusive relationship.
“It’s not up to us to say, ‘You should leave,’” Crawford said. “She already has her abuser telling her what to do. And if we tell her to leave, then we’re disrespecting her and taking the place of her abuser. It’s her decision to leave.”
Many victims of domestic abuse find it difficult to leave the aggressor despite continued and often severe abuse. Some barriers to leaving may include:
• Financial dependence
• Religious/Family pressures
• Fear of being alone
• Fear of increased violence
• Fear (the aggressor says he will kill himself if she leaves)
• Loyalty to the marriage
• Denial
• Internalization of the abuser’s words (“I deserve the abuse”)
• Love
• Shame
• The belief that it will get better
Building a support team
Mississippi Attorney General Jim Hood said that persons closest to the victim may be among the first to notice that “something is wrong” in the person’s life, which may put them in a position to support the victim.
“It could be a barber, a cosmetologist(hairdresser), a co-worker or a teacher,” Hood said. “Teachers see so much, and someone has to intervene.”
Crawford said until the abuser decides to leave the relationship, a good support team can prove invaluable to the victim.
“If she has bruises, you can say, ‘Girl, you need to be careful,’ Crawford said. “Because if you go in accusing her, she’s just going to shut down. And if you go in accusing him, she’s going to defend him. And if she ever needs someone to talk to, it won’t be you. Getting beat up by someone who says they love you is a shame for her. But if you go at it the right way, you allow her to save face.”
Crawford said compliments and kind gestures can also be a big support to the victim.
“Focus on her,” Crawford said. “Her self-esteem is already down the toilet. What does she do well? Tell her. Tell her you think she looks pretty. Tell her how special she is. If you see something you think she’d like, get it, and tell her you thought she would enjoy it. Tell her you like her hair. Focus on building her up instead of trying to fix her, and leave him out of it.”
Regardless of the initial fear, domestic violence advocates never insist that a woman leave a violent environment ‘for her own protection’. And they also discourage well-meaning friends and police officers from using her children against the victim as a means of escape.
“A lot of law enforcement agents will say, ‘It can’t be that bad or else you would leave,” Crawford said, “Or, someone will say, ‘Think of the children.‘ We will never tell them to think of the children and here’s the reason why. Regardless of how much we know that she has said about this man, she has not told us everything. And we know too, statistically, that the most dangerous time for a victim is when the aggressor realizes he’s lost control over her. And as far as the children,” Crawford continues, “we don’t know how stable she is. If she’s unstable, she may take the lives of her children and then herself. Remember, she has not told you everything.”
Crawford said if the victim is willing to talk, before settling into the relationship, or afterwards, it’s always best to ask her what she wants and what she’s thinking.
“You have to pay attention in terms of these relationships,” Crawford said. “Is she always trying to get home quickly? Is she talking about him getting her a new car or some other expensive gift? You can ask if she thinks that’s strange and give her some things to think about and process as opposed to responding emotionally.”
When she decides to leave
Once a domestic violence victim has decided to leave her abuser, however, advocates recommend that she have a safety plan in place.
“This again is where asking her what she wants comes in,” Crawford said. “If you say to her, ‘If you ever decide you want to leave, I’ll help you,’ don’t make that promise if you can’t keep it because she will remember. And you may need to help her see that certain things won’t work, ask her, ‘Do you have another plan?’ Assist her because she needs someone to be there for her.”
General Hood said the state has made numerous provisions for victims of domestic violence who want to leave their abuser.
“We work with domestic violence shelters, coalitions and other organizations,” Hood said. “And our Victim’s Compensation Fund allows victims of domestic violence to receive benefits for a temporary stay at a hotel. They can stay up to a week and be reimbursed. Oftentimes, victims don’t have a credit card or a checkbook, but there are some wonderful agencies out there that will also help them with that. Our overall goal is to keep families together. But sometimes, you have to keep them apart to keep domestic violence from escalating, and if a man hits a woman once, it’s going to escalate.”
An ideal safety plan for a victim of domestic violence includes:
• Tell others you trust such as friends, family, neighbors and co-workers what’s happening and talk to them about ways they may be able to help.
• Memorize emergency numbers for the local police (such as 911), support persons, shelters and crisis hotlines.
• Identify escape routes and places to go if you need to flee from an unsafe environment.
• Talk with your children about what they should do if a violent incident occurs or if they are afraid.
• Put together an emergency bag with money/checkbooks, extra car and house keys, medicine, and important papers such as birth certificates, social security cards, immigration documents, and medical cards. Keep it somewhere safe and accessible, such as with a trusted friend.
• Trust your instincts. If you think you are in immediate danger, you probably are. Get to a safe place as soon as you can.
Crawford said once the victim decides to leave the aggressor, it’s crucial that she maintain her same routine so as not to arouse suspicion.
“Batterers are very arrogant,” she said. “With violent relationships, these men tend to know their victims very well. Don’t allow them to see a change in your routine. If you’re putting a plan together to leave, you need to be careful that it does not show up in how you handle yourself. He knows you better than you know yourself and if he notices a change in your personality or behavior, he’s going to stay very close to you to see what’s going on because he knows something is going on. So be very careful.”
The road to recovery
“I tell women that leave the shelter or a battered relationship to spend a year alone with yourself to see what it is that you need,” Crawford said. “And then you can decide what you will compromise about yourself and what you won’t compromise. Let a man earn you, build a life for yourself. And then if you have a man there, have him because you want him there and not because you need him to pay the light bill. And slow down. Leave sex out of it. If you don’t mix sex into the equation, you can look at it a lot better. But once you get sex involved, everything is clouded.”
Crawford also said that battering or beating an intimate partner, is a learned behavior, and not an anger issue as many courts have ruled.
“For so long, domestic violence has not been taken as seriously as it should have been because judges are so quick to say, ‘It’s anger.’ ‘He was upset.’ ‘Alcohol was involved.’ When you add alcohol to any problem it gets worse. But battering can be unlearned. Just like the victim feeling helpless after being abused can and must be unlearned.”
Crawford said the road to recovery for a victim of domestic abuse is a long one, but it can be done, and the woman has to begin the healing process.
“The best revenge is to go on with your life and live well,” she said. “Figure out what it was about you that allowed you to be manipulated. Was it that you never felt loved? Did you feel you were too fat, was your nose too big? Were your parents on drugs? Just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you can’t look good. Your abuser has told you you were a ‘piece of sh-t’ for so long to degrade you and keep you down. And if you show him that you’re still angry or afraid, he’s still in control. But if you can rise up and live your life well, it will destroy him.”
If you or someone you love is being abused, help is available. Statistics show that every 37.8 seconds, somewhere in America a man is battered. And every 20.9 seconds, somewhere in America a woman is battered.
If you need help or would like more information about domestic abuse and shelter services, please contact: Martha Crawford at the Domestic Violence Project, Inc. at (662) 236-5026; Our House (601) 332-5683; Safe Haven (601) 327-6040; the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.ublic
Policy Office of the Nati Coalition
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS BEING ABUSED
What should I do…
• Do not confront the abuser.
• When speaking to the victim, assure her that she is not the cause of the violence.
• Be prepared for her to minimize or deny the abuse.
• Help her identify her own strengths and possible resources.
• If she is living with her abuser and chooses to leave, discuss a safety plan if there is advanced time.
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